One liners... (Last updated 2003/10)

One liner "definitions" for investors and business people:

CEO ... Chief Embezzlement Officer
CFO ... Corporate Fraud Officer
MBA ... Master of Bogus Accounting
BULL MARKET ... A random market movement causing an investor to mistakehimself for a financial genius.
BEAR MARKET ... An extended period when kids get no allowance, the wife gets no jewelry, and the husband gets no sex.
VALUE INVESTING ... The art of buying low, and selling lower.
P/E RATIO ... The percentage of investors wetting their pants as the market goes lower.
BROKER ... What your broker will make you.
STANDARD & POOR ... Your life in a nutshell.
STOCK ANALYST ... Idiot who just downgraded the stock you bought yesterday.
STOCK SPLIT ... When your ex-wife and her lawyer split your assets between them.
FINANCIAL PLANNER ... A guy whose phone has been disconnected.
MARKET CORRECTION ... The day after you buy stocks.
CASH FLOW ... The movement your money makes as it disappears down the toilet.
YAHOO ... What you yell after selling your stock in it to some poor sucker.
WINDOWS 2003 ... What you jump out of when you are the poor sucker above.
INSTITUTIONAL INVESTOR ... Last year's investor who is now locked up in a nuthouse.
PROFIT ... an archaic word, no longer in use.
401K ... due to value, now known as only a 201K.

One liners including words of "wisdom":

Today is the first day of the rest of your life ... but so was yesterday, and look what you did to it...
When it comes to thinking, most people stop at nothing.
How to tell a weed from a valuable plant: Pull on it, if it comes out easily, it was a valuable plant. Warning: Weeds can look exactly like your valuable plants, so you should test every plant to be sure.
It takes one careless match to start a forest fire. It takes several boxes to get a campfire started.
Have you noticed that as more people own a camcorder, the number of UFO sightings decreases?
Lose something? To find it, buy a replacement, it will quickly show up then.
Why does a "slight tax increase" cost you hundreds of dollars and a "substantial tax cut" save you less than 75 cents?
Give a person a fish and you'll feed them for a day. Teach them to use the internet and they won't bug you for months.
There are 2 kinds of pedestrians in Quebec City and Boston - the quick and the dead.
If you are feeling blue - its time to start breathing again.
An unbreakable toy is extremely useful for breaking other toys.
Take a lesson from the weather - stop listening to criticism.

Useful? Business phrases

I don't work here, I'm just a consultant
Wow! We are all refreshed and challenged by your unique point of view
I'll be nicer when you're smarter
I will always cherish the initial misconceptions I had about you.
I'm not being rude, you're just insignificant.
The fact that no one understands what you say or do does not mean that you are an artist.
I don't know what problem you have but I'll bet it's very hard to spell
And similarity between your reality and mine is just a coincidence.
I'm already picturing the duct tape over your mouth
I'm out of my mind, but please feel free to leave a message.
Who me? I just wander from room to room and sit in on whatever meeting looks most interesting.
I might look like I'm not doing anything, but trust me, at a cellular level, I am extremely active.
At least I have a positive attitude about my destructive habits.
You are validating my inherent mistrust of strangers.
I see you set aside this special time to humiliate yourself in public.
Someday, we'll both look back on this, laugh nevously and change the subject.

One liner so called true facts.

I have collected them from more than one source Actually they usually come to me via email from friends and family. I have not vetted any of them. Some may be true. They sound good, they sound like they might be true, but I am not for a moment suggesting to you that I have checked to see if they are true. If someday in the future I check and find it to be true (or false) I will move them down to the list below of "true facts". In the mean time .. enjoy.

In Shakespeare's time, mattresses were secured on bed frames by ropes when you pulled on the ropes the mattress tightened, making the bed firmer to sleep on. That's where the phrase, "goodnight, sleep tight" came from.
The sentence "The quick brown fox jumps over the lazy dog." uses every letter in the alphabet. (developed by Western Union to test telex/twx communications) Note: it is a fact that the phrase contains every letter in the alphabet, the unverified part is the part in brackets.
The only 15 letter word that can be spelled without repeating a letter is uncopyrightable.
When opossums are playing 'possum, they are not "playing." They actually pass out from sheer terror.
The Main Library at Indiana University sinks over an inch every year because when it was built, engineers failed to take into account the weight of all the books that would occupy the building.
The term "the whole 9 yards" came from W.W.II fighter pilots in the Pacific. When arming their airplanes on the ground, the .50 caliber machine gun ammo belts measured exactly 27 feet, before being loaded into the fuselage. If the pilots fired all their ammo at a target, it got "the whole 9 yards."
The phrase "rule of thumb" is derived from an old English law which stated that you couldn't beat your wife with anything wider than your thumb.
The name Jeep came from the abbreviation used in the army for the "General Purpose" vehicle, G.P.
No NFL team which plays its home games in a domed stadium has ever won a Super Bowl.
The first toilet ever seen on television was on "Leave It To Beaver."
Only one person in two billion will live to be 116 or older.
In Cleveland, Ohio, it's illegal to catch mice without a hunting license.
It takes 3,000 cows to supply the NFL with enough leather for a year's supply of footballs.
Thirty-five percent of the people who use personal ads for dating are already married. (see true facts below)
There are an average of 178 sesame seeds on a McDonald's Big Mac bun.
The world's termites outweigh the world's humans 10 to 1.
The 3 most valuable brand names on earth: Marlboro, Coca-Cola, and Budweiser, in that order.
When Heinz ketchup leaves the bottle, it travels at a rate of 25 miles per year. (This of course is from the traditional glass bottle, not the squeeze ones!)
Ten percent of the Russian government's income comes from the sale of vodka.
On average, 100 people choke to death on ball-point pens every year.
In 10 minutes, a hurricane releases more energy than all the world's nuclear weapons combined. Wow ... if we could just harness a few minutes of one storm per year ...
It was the accepted practice in Babylon 4,000 years ago that for a month after the wedding, the bride's father would supply his son-in-law with all the mead he could drink. Mead is a honey beer, and because their calendar was lunar based, this period was called the "honey month" or what we know today as the "honeymoon."
In English pubs, ale is ordered by pints and quarts. So in old England, when customers got unruly, the bartender would yell at them to mind their own pints and quarts and settle down. It's where we Get the phrase "mind your P's and Q's."
Many years ago in England, pub frequenters had a whistle baked into the rim or handle of their ceramic cups. When they needed a refill, they used the whistle to get some service. "Wet your whistle," is the phrase inspired by this practice.

One liner true facts.

Depending on the study, the divorce rate in North America is between 1 in 2 and 2 in 3 (ie, 50-67% of marriages end in divorce.)
People who attend churchs or other religious organizations have the same statistical divorce probability as society as a whole, however:
Harvard has done several such divorce studies. No matter what factors they looked at - and they continue to look at a lot of potential factors, most of them ended up in the same range as above, but one in the late 20th century found a statistically significant group that do not fit the norm. They found that, among people who 1. Claim to have Jesus Christ as their personal saviour and 2. Both go to church together once a week or more and 3. Pray as a couple daily and 4. Read the Bible as a couple daily: the statistic changes to 1 in 1015. Note this is a recent 1990's study - this was not done decades ago when Harvard used to be a Christian school and when divorce was frowned on more. Harvard is anything but "Christian" now-a-days when this study was done. Of course, as a US study, they spelt saviour savior.